I MADE A CHOICE - A Valentine's Day 2011 tribute to my wife, Doris

Raymond chose to marry his wife Doris at the age of 24, despite knowing that she suffers from schizophrenia and depression, amongst other things.


“What does love look like? It has the hands to help others.
It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy.
It has eyes to see misery and want.”
- St Augustine -

Schizophrenia is the most distressing of all mental disorders. The illness alters the way people think and feel, so that perceptions may be changed and thinking can be disturbed.

This is very disabling for the sufferers and very distressing for their families, who often become the primary caregivers.

I made a choice at the age of 24 that I would indeed, take the road less travelled and marry Doris.

So, why did I make that choice?

Unlike the many girls that I dated, Doris was very down-to-earth. I found her to be sincere, loving and caring. This was the woman that would change my life – dramatically.

Often marriages are put to the test when couples are confronted with financial problems or if a spouse is stricken with chronic illnesses.

All marriages will go through good and bad times. But if couples stick to one another during those rough times, the relationship will improve steadily as time goes by.

Today, my wife has a total of five illnesses, including schizophrenia, arthritis, diabetes, high cholesterol and incontinence.

Being the sole caregiver to my wife for more than three decades is no easy feat, and I have suffered burnout so many times.

Even though Doris is currently coping well with her mental illness, a relapse of her schizophrenia is always possible.

This is because of her struggles with arthritis, which often leaves her in severe pain and misery.

People with mental illness can relapse if a severe physical illness is not properly managed.

For schizophrenia, like some other mental disorders, is unpredictable.

Doris worries a great deal that one day she might not be able to walk.

But I have to constantly assure her that despite all her ailments, I will continue to care and love her to my last dying breath.

For I made a choice 35 years ago to marry Doris and keep our marriage vows intact despite the adversities I know I will face.

There is no question that the world today, is filled with an appalling amount of evil and suffering.

So, it is abundantly clear to me that what the world needs is love - lots of it.

If we can give love, understanding and support to a beggar, the elderly sick, the man who has lost his job, the children who go hungry, the depressed and the oppressed, then wouldn't everyday be Valentine's Day?

Come 14 February, let us make a pledge to 'infect' those around us with the power of love. For love has the power to heal.

My sentiments about my beloved Doris is best summed up in this Valentine's Day poem, entitled, “Love grows in a red rose.”Poem: Love grows in a red rose A Valentine's Day tribute to my lovely wife, Doris Lau Siew Lang

Dearest Doris, I may have to write till I'm blind

But with you in my heart,

I can survive, I will be fine

Treasure the pretty red rose

Your favourite flower – the one I gave to you some time ago

The beautiful rose that made love grow

As my affection for you each day continues to flow

Place the red rose on your coat

And allow your dreams to stay afloat

I'll take down on the dance floor

Dance with you cheek to cheek

Then you'll smile again, cheer you up

Perk you up - that's for sure

And when you finally pass on and be taken to the Lord

Like a drifting cloud

Each night, you will pass by

And as I look up yonder, high in the sky

I will see your face and try not to cry
For whenever I see a red rose in all its splendour

Your name, your face, your smile, your warmth

I will always cherish,

I will forever remember

Happy Valentine's Day, Doris

I will stay committed to you - and that's a promise."

Sincerely,

Raymond Anthony Fernando

Next Book

Coming your way (Akan Datang)! Raymond's next book: “A CHOICE, A VOICE, A CAUSE: One man's advocacy on social issues”
There are many talented singers, sports champions and world leaders who have left a legacy. Boxing legend Muhammad Ali is most certainly one of them. Then, we have singers like the late Jim Reeves, Ricky Nelson, Elvis Presley and politicians like Sir Winston Churchill, Mahatma Gandhi and American President Abraham Lincoln who will forever live in our hearts for their invaluable contributions to society.

But you need not be a superstar or a famous politician to leave your mark. Some people who believe in advocacy will be remembered for speaking up for the marginalised, the needy and the poor. Model Caregiver 2007 and Mental Health Champion 2011 - Raymond Anthony Fernando who has championed the plight of psychiatric patients and their caregivers for more than six years has been described as one of Singapore's leading advocates on mental illness.

“A CHOICE, A VOICE, A CAUSE: One man's advocacy on social issues” documents Raymond's tireless efforts to raise awareness of mental illness and other social issues, and to secure more support for those who struggle with the stresses of life. This well-known caregiver has written a total of 100 letters to the press – 46 of which are reproduced in this book. Raymond has also taken part in campaigns, given motivational talks and spoken on national television and radio to seek better understanding, support and compassion for sufferers of mental illness and their families.

This book, expected to be out in March 2011 retails at $15. Place your orders early with Raymond E-mail to avoid disappointment. There are limited copies.

Finding disabled people who go missing -Use pendant with chip for easy tracking

My letter was published in The New Paper today, Wed 5 Jan 2010, page 20.

I refer to the report, “Oh no, is that our son?”and “ Oh no, it's him” (The New Paper, Jan 2, and 4).

The worry that Mr Chye Chee Meng and his wife must have gone through, first in searching for their missing teenage autistic son and then finding out it was he who had drowned in Woodlands Town Garden, must have been overwhelming.

The police had first told them that the body did not appear to be their son, but later told them the drowning victim was their missing son after all. Perhaps, if investigations had been more thorough, the mistaken identity would not have added to the parent's anxiety.

That aside, people with intellectual disabilities need better protection so that their caregivers are not placed in too much anxiety should their loved ones go missing.

Perhaps the authorities could consider implementing an electronic tracking system in the form of a pendant for this vulnerable group, who could also include the lonely elderly.

Participation in this scheme should be voluntary.

However, the pendant could be attractively designed and affordable so that more people would wear it.

The pendant should have the details of the wearer in a microchip, similar to the Development Disability  Registry (DDR) Identity Card for people with disabilities.

This device would enable the police to track any missing persons in this category in double quick time, cutting down on manpower hours and resources.



RAYMOND ANTHONY FERNANDO

Let us be inspired by what Oprah Winfrey once said: “Do one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”

“Took photos of the nude woman? You should be ashamed”

Raymond writes a second letter to the press- this time to The New Paper.

This letter on the above subject is published in The New Paper on Wednesday 22 December 2010.

I refer to the report, “I felt more and more nervous ” (The New Paper, Dec17).

Over the last six months of this year, there have been 105 incidents of people parading around nude in public. There have also been tragedies involving persons with mental illness. This is certainly a disturbing trend!

Equally disturbing was the middle-age woman, reported to be mentally ill, who boarded the SBS Transit bus in the nude on 16 December.

The onlookers who seized the opportunity to snap pictures and videos of the woman should be ashamed of themselves. Let us not forget that the woman could be someone's sister, mother or daughter.

A tough stand needs to be taken against people who find it a joy to humiliate the mentally ill. This is where the Mental Capacity Act should be enforced.

A woman's modesty should be protected at all costs. And I am glad that the bus driver took immediate steps to ensure that she was not taken advantage of. He should be commended.

People with mental illness are often left to fend for themselves because caregiving is a daunting task.

Given the rising number of people who are unable to cope with the stresses of life, there is a dire need to facilitate support and compassion for the mentally ill, who do not have a sense of belonging in a society that is bent on economic excellence.

Before the situation gets out of hand, I suggest that a high-level committee, comprising staff from the Singapore Police Force, mental health providers and related government ministries be formed to resolve problems with these marginalised citizens who need to live in dignity.

Officers from the town councils and grassroots leaders can also be roped in to tackle these problems, which often observed in our housing estates.

As the yuletide season draws to a close, bear in mind that the mentally ill are also God's children and they need love, understanding, and support - just like anyone of us.

RAYMOND ANTHONY FERNANDO

P.S: My Christmas & New Year wish is for the Govt to do more to help these marginalised citizens live in dignity.

Naked woman, reported to be mentally ill boards SBS Transit Bus

Letter to MYPAPER: Do more to help mentally ill
Raymond's letter to mypaper on the above subject is published today, Tuesday 21 December, page A16.

The recent case of a middle-age woman - reported to be mentally ill - who boarded an SBS Transit bus while naked is worrying.

The Chinese woman, who is in her 50s, removed her clothese at a bus stop in Ubi last Wednesday and boarded bus service 22. Police officers later arrived and arrested her.

In the last six months, there have been 105 incidents of people “parading” around naked while in public.

There have also been tragedies involving persons with mental illness. This is a cause for concern.

It was equally disturbing to read about onlookers who seized the opportunity to take photos and capture video clips of the woman while she was naked.

They should be ashamed of themselves. Let us not forget that the woman could be someone's sister, mother or daughter.

A tough stand needs to be taken against people who humiliate the mentally ill. This is where the Mental Capacity Act should be enforced.

A woman's modesty should be protected at all costs. I am glad that the bus driver stopped the bus promptly and took steps to ensure that the naked woman was shielded. He should be commended.

People who are mentally ill are often left to fend for themselves because it is a daunting task to care for them.

In view of the rising number of people who are unable to cope with stress, there is a dire need to foster support and compassion for the mentally ill, as they do not have a sense of belonging in a society that is focussed on achieving economic excellence.

I suggest that a high-level committee - comprising staff from the Singapore Police Force, mental-health providers and related ministries - be formed to resolve the problems that give rise to these marginalised citizens, who undoubtedly need to live in dignity.

Staff from the town councils and grassroots leaders could also be roped in to tackle these problems, which often take place in our housing estates.

With Christmas just around the corner, let us bear in mind that the mentally ill are also God's children, and they need love, understanding, and support - just like any one of us.

MR RAYMOND ANTHONY FERNANDO

UNPUBLISHED LETTER TO THE CATHOLIC NEWS- Expedite support for our marginalised citizens to save & reclaim more lives

I refer to the report in the Catholic News , “Unmet social needs” (CN, Dec 5).

I fully agree that there is a dire need to facilitate support and compassion of Singapore's marginalised citizens who include the mentally ill and the disabled wh...o do not have a sense of belonging in a society that is bent on economic excellence.

For years, I have been trying to secure some home-help services as the strain of caring for my wife who suffers from schizophrenia and depression for more than three decades is taking a heavy toll on me, and I'm exhausted!

The recent case of the 12-year-old disabled girl, Little Linda who had a low IQ and perished in a most cruel way broke my heart. Her parents and maid found it so hard to cope for it is never easy taking care of someone with such a condition. One life has been lost and another hangs in the balance as the maid could be charged with her the child's death.

Many caregivers who are taking care of their marginalised loved ones are also suffering burn out. Yet, securing support for us is a daunting task and fruitless exercise.

Recently, through the Centre for Enabled Living (CEL), a senior staff from a nursing home was asked to visit us to assist with some of our needs that includes meal delivery service, transportation for my wife's several medical appointments and cleaning services.

After going through the mandatory means testing, I was told I would have to pay the following charges:

$70 each time I had to ferry my wife to and fro the respective Government hospitals -Tan Tock Seng Hospital for medical arthritis treatment, and IMH for her lifelong psychiatric care.

$70 for cleaners to clean up my house for a duration of 40 minutes

A two-way trip to Tan Tock Seng Hospital would cost less than $20 and the market rate for cleaning service for 1 hour would only cost $10 - $15 per hour. So, how does this compare to the overcharging by the nursing home? And I don't have a fulltime job.

The staff at the nursing home who was far from sympathetic, told me that the home depended on donations to run its services and the guidelines are drawn up by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS).

Does this mean that just because I have a little CPF savings that they must squeeze every cent from faithful and dedicated caregivers like myself. You work all your life to enjoy your retirement, but in the end, almost half your money goes back to the Government through rising medical bills and such overcharging.

It is little wonder that many caregivers give up on walking the whole journey with their stricken ones because there is little compassion for our marginalised citizens. This is why it is crucial for our Catholic organisations to render us the support that we so badly need.

The formation of CLARITY to support persons with mental illness and their caregivers is taking far too long to carry out its work. So, I appeal to CARITAS - give us your support, your assistance quickly so that more lives can be saved and reclaimed.

And as the yuletide season draws close, bear in mind that the mentally ill are also God's children. Give your unconditional love and support to or marginalised brothers and sisters for that is the true meaning of Christmas.



Raymond Anthony Fernando

Singapore 560601

Caring for loved one with health problems. Why are nursing home's rates so much higher?

Read Raymond Anthony Fernando's letter to The New Paper:

This letter was published in The New Paper today, Wednesday 8th December 2010, page 18.

For years, I have been trying to secure some home-help services as the strain of caring for my wife, who has mental and physical health problems for more than three decades, is taking a heavy toll on me.

Many caregivers who are caring for their marginalised loved ones suffer burnout. Yet, securing support for us is a daunting task.

Recently, through the Centre for Enabled Living, a senior staff from a nursing home was asked to visit us to help with some of our needs, including meal delivery, transportation for my wife's medical appointments and cleaning services.

After going through the mandatory means testing, I was told I would have to pay the following charges:

$70 to ferry my wife to Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) and back for each of her medical appointments.

$70 for cleaners to clean up my three-room HDB flat for 40 minutes.

A two-way trip from our home to TTSH by taxi usually costs less than $20 and the going rate for part-time cleaning services is only $10 to $15 an hour.

So, how do the nursing home's rates help?

The nursing home staff seemed far from sympathetic, saying that the home depended on donations to run its services, and the guidelines are drawn up by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports.

I don't have a fulltime job.

Just because I still have some CPF savings, does a faithful and dedicated caregiver like myself have to deplete everything before getting help?

It is little wonder that many caregivers give up on walking the whole journey with their stricken ones because there is so little compassion for our marginalised citizens.

RAYMOND ANTHONY FERNANDO